Up until I became ill in 2008, like most people I took my life for granted.
I wasn’t always happy, I drank too much, smoked too much and worked all the hours I could, and never had enough money.
I also unsurprisingly suffered from depression. Then I got sick I went in to hospital to be told I had heart failure at 1:30 am.
On being told this my mind just shut down I went blank, but I still didn’t listen to my body or my spirit, I went back to doing what I did before although now without a career.
For the first time since I’d left school I had no idea what I was going to do. So been unemployed for the first time I sank back into depression I had no money, no prospects and people seemed to be scared to employ me.
I started reading books and articles on hypnotherapy, personal development and spirituality I was been pushed in a direction and I wasn’t listening.
Time passed and I got a job in a coffee shop, I love the people I work with but I was still depressed and unfulfilled but didn’t know why.
After all I had a job, in a time of recession. Then in 2011 I became ill again, passing out while at work.
I felt like someone had physically switched my power off, my mind clouded over, I couldn’t concentrate and my physical strength just deserted me.
As I fell to the floor folding like a concertina, all I really remember is been wheeled out to the front door of the supermarket in a wheel chair, while not knowing were I was.
I became hospitalised again while they checked me out only to be told I was now diabetic, which shock us all as I’d only been tested with a full screen a month before.
And still I wasn’t listening I was still doing the same thing’s working the same kind of jobs, still been surprised that I felt depressed, and empty.
Then after I got involved in hypnotherapy, I started to investigate meditation, and using my mind spa.
While training I devoured my studies but also poured over buddhist and meditation texts. I began to look inwardly my meditation periods began to last longer and I took pleasure in keeping a journal
But I still felt empty, I still felt there was something missing. I was still living my life in quite the same way, I was still working the day, I had my business card’s I had the websites and I had the space. But still I hadn’t had the push to propel my practise to a higher level.
My day-job gave me an escape route, I was earning money and almost paying my bills, so nothing really had changed.
I didn’t really need to break out of my comfort zone I didn’t need to push my self after all that’s hard work.
Inside myself I wasn’t happy I couldn’t find peace, but all was ok because nothing had changed so I didn’t need to change.
Then I became sick again, I still wasn’t listening, I wanted change, and made the right plans and got the preparations made but didn’t make the final push.
I was stuck in my comfort zone, and now I had to make a move.
I had to change or forever be stuck in a cycle of depression, unhappiness and illness.
Simply because I refused to listen to myself and wouldn’t take that final step out of my zone.
So now I have.
I’ve given myself a real time limit on quitting my day job, now I have no choice.
I’ve reached the end of the plank, I either walk back or go for a swim.
And I don’t have a choice any more to go back would be more of the same.
And even though the idea of diving in may be filling me with doubts and fear’s of what’s waiting for me under the surface it really is the only way.
Unless I just want more of the same.
Unless I just want to spend the rest of my life not listening.
The only way for me is to take the chance of stepping out of my comfort zone and pushing myself across that line, because till I do I don’t think my spirit will find peace…
Love & light